I’ve lost count of how many times someone has said to me, “We should get together for coffee.” It sounds friendly, but often it never happens. That simple phrase made me start asking why. Why do we suggest it? Why do we never follow through? Why would we even meet in the first place? If it is spending time, then the value is the relationship.
I’ve come to see that asking why is not just for children. It’s a tool that strengthens relationships and workplaces. It forces us to look past routine and politeness and get clear about real values and purpose.
Why at work matters
Walk into any office and you’ll see the same thing. People are racing from one task to the next. Everyone’s busy, but is everyone fulfilled? I often ask myself, if so many people say they don’t enjoy their work, why are they rushing to get there every morning? The truth is, we’ve learned to value productivity over connection.
That choice has a cost. Research shows that many employees feel lonely at work even when surrounded by colleagues. I think that’s because we rarely stop to ask why. Why are we meeting? Why are we doing this project? Why are we working as a team? When the answers are about values like trust, growth, or care, then the work has meaning. When they aren’t, the work feels hollow.
The filter of why
I now use why as a filter. When someone suggests a meeting or project, I ask why. If the reason connects to my values, I commit. If it doesn’t, I step back. This has saved me countless hours and has made the hours I do invest in far more rewarding.
The same applies to relationships. After losing a job, I started to see who truly wanted to connect with me. Some people disappeared once they realized I couldn’t offer them anything at the time. That was painful, but it also gave me clarity. I held on to the people who valued me, not just what I could do.
Pressure reveals values
Life often feels like navigating a river. When we don’t keep track of our values, we get pulled into whirlpools that spin us around without moving forward. Asking why helps set a bearing and get back on course. I’ve also seen how ca risis brings this into sharper focus. Under pressure, values come to the surface. When we are clear on our why, we can respond instead of react. That steadiness builds trust with the people around you and me.
Surround yourself with why people
Another lesson I’ve learned is the importance of having people in my life who also ask why. These aren’t always close friends, but they are people who care enough to challenge me. They ask why I’m making a decision or why I’m heading in a certain direction. Those questions encourage, sharpen, and keep me aligned with my values.
The challenge
Here’s my challenge for you. Think about the last three invitations you received, whether at work or in your personal life. Did you ask why? Try it this week. Before you say yes, pause and ask why it matters. If it reflects your values, go for it. If it doesn’t, give yourself permission to pass.
The why test has changed how I spend my time and who I spend it with. It’s given me clarity, stronger relationships, and healthier work. I believe it can do the same for you.
